By Sarah Barnard
Thanks to the ever-increasing gloomy climes in Britain, more couples are heading abroad to make a new life together. Yet, this dream is often shattered by harsh realities if you choose to separate – a reality that is becoming all too common these days..
divorce can be complex enough, but when you have children in the mix, there is potential for all sorts of problems. And that’s when you know you’ll be living in the same town, city or country. Imagine if your soon-to-be-ex lives n another country…
Leonid was living in Israel when he and his wife divorced, 10 years ago, and he is now living in the UK. His ex-wife still lives in Israel with their 16-year-old son.
“I did not understand it at that time but now I can see that long-distance relationships do not work. Not being part of each other?s lives, [my son and I] soon had very few things to talk about. I never caught up with his interests. Our relationship reduced to me asking about his school progress (not helpful because it was poor) and occasionally talking about some games and gadgets he play,” Leonid explains.
The contention that mother?s can be given an ?easier ride? when issues of custody arise is one that Leonid knows only too well – and being on the other side of the globe hasn’t helped when negotiating with his ex.
“It is very heartbreaking for the fathers. From what I can see many of the social workers represent a mixture of feminist education and ignorance about everything else. As for the judges, some of them just try to please mothers.Looking back now, if I could have done anything differently in terms of the divorce process, I would have considered staying in the same country [as my wife] and not moving away.”
When relations break down between you and your partner, it?s communication that?s often the toughest dilemma. Having to speak to each other using solicitor?s letters is painful financially and emotionally, so it could be worth considering mediation as a more amiable form of resolution. One such place is The Mediation Agency, which started in the US 10 years ago. Now based in Belfast, it operates throughout the UK, working with families and individuals to resolve conflict and act as a neutral third party in teaching skills of mediation.
Co-founder Wendy Paterson suggests that mediation can be hugely beneficial in helping aid the problems faced by divorced parents living in different countries to be as workable as possible.
??Naturally, when dealing with such a serious issue as where, and with which parent, your child should live, it is important to instruct a solicitor, to make sure you are fully aware of which laws apply to you and what legislation can protect your rights. However, mediation can be a fantastic means of facilitating civil and fruitful ongoing communications channels between divorcing parents,?? Paterson says.
But how can mediation help the situation? And is it just a cover-up for more legal fees? “Mediation offers a safe forum to discuss living arrangements and visiting rights with a neutral third party, seeking a mutually satisfactory arrangement. It can be a useful pre-cursor to proceeding through the courts, as mediation is not about winning or losing – it is about arriving at a conclusion that works for both parties. Any contract or conclusions that you reach can then be sanctioned by solicitors,” says Paterson.
The pain of divorce can make it difficult to speak with your partner. It is hard enough dividing up your assets – they have emotional ties, too. Let alone a child, who you will be the one thing that will definitely keep you and your soon-to-be-ex tied together for life. And this is where mediation, Paterson says, can be a positive thing. “It can help you, as a separated couple, come to an understanding about how conversations will be dealt with in the future. Emotive issues, such as where and with whom the children’s holidays are spent can be discussed, and boundaries can be set for moving forward.”
Top Tips to Make Divorce Easier
- Go to mediation with an open mind. Only then can it be truly beneficial to you, your ex and your children.
- Try to see mediation as a positive step for your kids. They will feel more secure in the knowledge that their parents are trying to agree and are doing your best not to be acrimonious.
- Use mediation as an opportunity to lay down ground rules for the future. This will save much heartache in years to come.
- Be thorough and forward thinking. Get any future worries off your chest now – think about how grandparents fit in, what happens on religious holidays and what would happen if one of you wishes to move even further afield.
- Have any contract approved by solicitors, so that you?re secure in the knowledge that it’s legally binding in both countries – that way you are prepared, and won’t have to deal with any nasty surprises.
USEFUL LINKS
Contact Details www.mediationagency.com