Since the birth of our children, my husband gets angry at the slightest provocation. He screams at me – I can’t live like this
I met my husband 10 years ago, and from the start made it clear that I did not want children. As a child, I spent time in local-authority care because my mother was mentally ill and I had no other family. I was afraid that I would be unable to give any children the security they needed.
However, my husband persuaded me that we would make great parents, and we now have two small children, whom I love dearly. My husband’s attitude towards me, however, has changed since they were born. He was always a little short-tempered, but now gets angry at the slightest provocation – the house being untidy (I work full time, too), me not wearing enough makeup, a toy being broken or one of the children being unwell.
The anger results in him screaming at me: that I’m useless, stupid or disgusting, or that he wishes I would stop breathing. This occurs at least twice a week, whether we are at home, out in public or even at my place of work.
I am weary from trying to maintain an environment that doesn’t annoy him. I have tried to discuss this with him but he says I am being over-sensitive or imagining things. (I know I’m not, because neighbours called to check that I was OK after one incident.) I left once but returned because the children missed him. I felt guilty that I would be taking them away from their father and the security I thought was essential to their wellbeing, but I don’t think I can live like this. S, Sheffield
And why should you? I worry not only for you and your emotional safety, but also the lesson your children are learning. Will they grow up thinking it’s acceptable to treat their mother like this? Will they start to pussyfoot around their father to keep him happy?
When I first read your letter, I thought about how hard it is in the first few years after a couple has children. How it can change their relationship, how sleep deprivation can shorten even the most patient person’s temper. I wanted to give your husband the benefit of the doubt. But nothing excuses his behaviour. It is not acceptable for him to talk to you like this: it’s abusive and he’s controlling you.
If he won’t accept there’s a problem, you cannot get him to go to counselling with you. If he will accept there’s a problem, I would urge you both to go to counselling (relate.org) and I’d also suggest he attend anger-management classes. Your GP can refer him, or you can find local ones run by Mike Fisher, director of the British Association of Anger Management and author of Beating Anger.
All of this supposes that your husband accepts his problem. If he doesn’t? I asked Fisher for his thoughts. Sadly, Fisher sees situations like yours all the time, and says he sees high levels of domestic violence post-partum. “Your husband is coming home and dumping all his stress on to you. He’s projecting all his anger and manipulating you emotionally. He’s abusing you, disrespecting you and you’re walking on egg shells.” He warns that the moment you take the power back – by standing up to him, by leaving – your husband may promise you anything he thinks you want to hear to make you stay.
So what to do? “Identify what you need. Prioritise yourself. If your husband is not going to care about you or respect you, then you have to do it for yourself.” Fisher advises setting clear boundaries (such as “Do not talk to me like that. Do not say that”) and then telling him what will happen if he crosses those boundaries. If he does cross the boundaries, it is imperative that you follow through. Only you can decide what your boundaries are. I think a chat with someone from Refuge (refuge.org.uk, tel 0808 2000 247) would help you set your parameters. Refuge isn’t just for women who are physically abused.
You thought the children needed security. This environment is not secure. You had what sounds like a very poor start to life: you’ve come through it and are raising two children whom you love dearly. This situation is not going to get better on its own. You deserve to be loved, looked after and respected.
Your problems solved
Contact Annalisa Barbieri, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU or email?annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence
