By Sarah Pennells, author of Financial Bliss.
Anyone who has been in a relationship will know that there are all kinds of areas that you have to be prepared to negotiate and compromise on. But sometimes that can be difficult if one person wants to take control.
If you and your other half can talk about areas of potential conflict, you have a reasonable chance of being able to work out a solution that will suit you both. But sometimes it seems the talking is just too difficult. In a survey carried out by the financial regulator, the Financial Services Authority, 75% of couples said that money was the hardest subject to talk about.
When I was writing Financial Bliss, several couples I spoke to said that they felt their partners were using money to control the relationship. In some cases the partner who earned the most felt they had the right to make the financial decisions, or they would spend money in a way that meant their partner could not keep up. Diana, a 33-year-old marketing executive, complained that when her job changed and she had to accept a much lower salary, her husband started to take over. “Because Rob earned more than me, ultimately, it felt like that gave him more power to make the decisions. As he loved splashing out on luxury holidays whereas I preferred to spend money on the house, it meant we?d go on holiday rather than have a nice sofa.”
In some cases the control does not stop at financial decisions. Tina, who is 40 years old, found that her partner started to use money as a way of extending his controlling influence on their relationship. “I paid most of the food and bills and Simon never paid towards the rent when he lived with me, but if ever I raised the subject of money, he would threaten to leave. I soon learned not to bring the subject of money up.” That did not stop Simon from having his own ideas about how Tina should manage her money. “He was always telling me what I should be spending my money on; how I could save money and even what I should invest in. It caused huge rows between us ? it wasn?t really about the money it was about control.”
Denise Knowles, who is a relationship counsellor with Relate, says she regularly sees examples where money is used as a method of control. It can be a particular problem where one partner has given up work or reduced their hours (perhaps to raise a family) and so has little or no money of their own. “The worst case I?ve seen was a couple where the man kept complaining about his wife?s inability to budget. When we looked at what was going on, she only had ?70 a week and had to feed and clothe three children. It meant she had to ask him for money if she wanted to meet up with her friends for a coffee.” Ms. Knowles says that if the partner doing the controlling refuses to acknowledge their behaviour, there could be serious problems ahead.
If you think you or your partner may have control issues, here are some tips to help you recognise the warning signs:
- Your partner tries to make all the decisions, or refuses to be open about the finances.
- Your partner wants you to account for every penny you spend (and not because you are a reckless spender).
- Your partner is trying to use money as an excuse to get their way in another aspect of the relationship.
FOR MORE INFORMATION
Financial Bliss is published by Prentice Hall Life, and will be available to buy on 1 January 2008 and cost ?9.99. If you would like to buy a copy of the book, visit www.pearson-books.com/financialbliss ? Mothers Who Work readers get a 20% discount on Financial Bliss and some other titles.
Photo by Chris Brown