January is the busiest months for divorce lawyers. It seems that spending just a few too many days at home with a spouse is all that?s required as confirmation that a divorce is required.
In the first of a series of features, divorcee mum of two Anne Cantello, author of It?s No Big Deal, we look at the delicate subject of divorce, and whether is actually worth staying married for the sake of the children what actually happens during a divorce and how to cope after it.
Some relationships work and some don?t. It?s part of life, and doesn?t necessarily mean that either of the people concerned is at fault in some way. Until you become a parent the only people you really have to worry about are the two people involved. Once you and your partner produce children the rules of the game change; you?ll never be out of each other?s lives entirely, and that applies whether you?re married
or not.
Deciding to divorce actually takes a lot of guts, particularly when you have children. The easy option is to sit tight and live in a lifeless marriage. Think what that means: being stuck with both the misery of living every day and every night with someone that you find irritating or didn?t like and at the same time being denied that basic human need of loving and being loved. Think too how terrible it must be for the children, who are being raised in households that are filled with tension instead of love.
?When my ex-husband used to come home my spirits sunk,? says divorcee Wendy. ?I had to stay married longer than I wanted to because his father was ill. During that last year I became so depressed that I had a nervous breakdown and was off work for six months. My husband wasn?t a bad person, but if we?d had to stay together I know I would have had to find another way out. I just couldn?t stand it; I was so miserable.
So what do your children really want?
Instead of assuming that staying together is best for the children you need to understand what your children?s emotional needs are. I checked with a child counsellor and she advised that they can be divided into needs and desirables. Needs for healthy emotional development are to:
? feel safe and secure
? feel valued and ?listened to?
? have a home which is a sound base
? have time to spend with peers (friends)
? have some choice in how they use their free time
? have access to age appropriate toys/surroundings
If they?re very young (under five years old but sometimes older) they also need an ?attachment? figure. For healthy emotional , children need to:
? have the love of both parents
? have time with both parents
? take part in activities which they enjoy and in which they can succeed
You may have other things to add to the lists for your children but think long term; look at the things your children will look back on. It will help if you think about your own childhood; what were the things that made it good or bad? What are your best memories and what are your worst?
My girls? paternal grandmother died when Gabriella was eight years old and we were speaking about her recently. Gabriella told me that she had only two memories of her. ?Sitting on her lap with her humming and when we were playing that game and no one could think of a drink beginning with the letter ?n? except me. I was so pleased with myself.? So pleased that eight years on she still remembers it as one of her triumphs. (By the way, to stop your mind being diverted for the rest of this chapter, the answer is ?Nesquik?.)
Children are happiest when they have two loving parents to share their lives with them. Your children will probably desperately want you to stay together, but they may not be old enough to understand what that could mean. They will be terrified of the unknown and terrified that one of you will leave their lives for ever because of the divorce. Look again at your list. A bad marriage will not meet their need for a home that feels ?safe and secure?. Staying together, when you no longer love each other and feel irritated by each other, may mean condemning your children to growing up in a house full of tension. Conversely, if you handle the divorce sensitively you can still meet all their emotional needs and desires. The problems only come if you ignore one or more of your children?s needs or desires, as people often do when they divorce.
It?s therefore your duty to look very seriously at the problems in your marriage and see if you can, in the near future, return it to a place that will give your children the support they need. Of course it won?t happen overnight; it will need working on. Whether you stay married or divorce, keep referring to the list of emotional needs and desirables.
It’s No Big Deal Really: A Parent’s Guide to Making Divorce Easy for Children is published by Fusion Press (?10.99) www.fusionpress.co.uk
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